I have always
thought that courage was the absence of fear...or at least, when I would see
someone 'courageous' than I would assume that the person was devoid of fear.
I am now
learning, quite possibly the hard way, that the absence of fear is
naivety...and courage is more defined by the repression and/or the facing of
that fear. Maybe I am going too fast...let me start with a little about myself.
I am a 37 year
old 'rock-star'. Not a rockstar in the Van halen sense of the word, but in my
world at least. Some would say that I was born with a silver spoon in my mouth,
but for one reason or another, many that were born with that same silver spoon
have not used it as well as me. I have always tried to be the pride and joy of
the family, and figured that it was my responsibility to validate the job that
my parents had done. This may have been presumptuous on my part, and I'm sure
that they did not need me to do this, but it always drove me to do better which
has resulted in great things, so I will stick with it.
I remember in
4th grade when my parents sat me down to tell me I had disappointed them
because I had received 2 f's on my report card. My brother was in drug rehab at
the age of 13, but I had disappointed them. That was the first of many wake-up
calls in my life, but it pretty much steered me straight for the next 10 years.
Sure, I drank and smoked during high school, but I tried to hide it from my
parents and I did my best to make up for it. I excelled at music, because that
made my mom happy, and I excelled at math because that made my dad happy. I had
friends that went off to break into cars and cause trouble, but I always found
a way of talking my way out of it. I did well on my SAT's and got into college
with no problems...and unceremoniously went off to start the rest of my life.
In college I
spent the first year focusing on me. My high school sweetheart went off to a
different school and we decided to see other people, so I spent the year trying
to find things that I enjoyed more than 'class' and 'responsibility'. I was an
Engineering major at Texas A&M who enjoyed partying, drinking and building
bonfire much more than attending class. The end result was a sub-par GPA, a
pissed off high school sweetheart, and another one of those 'we are
disappointed in you' speeches from my parents. I went back home that summer to
find myself, and was very quickly right where I had left off. My sweetheart had
decided to transfer to A&M, Engineering took me back for one last chance,
and The Singing Cadets called to me with open arms. It was not long until I was
back to living up to everyones expectations. I did not make the best grades,
but I always did good enough. I was not the best boyfriend, but I was by no
means the worst either. I built a lot of strength during this time, and back
then I probably thought I was really courageous. Engineering was kicking people
out left and right, but I stood up to the challenge and made it. My college
money ran out when I still had a year left, but I found a job and made it work
(OK, maybe people are not too far off on the silver spoon thing). There was not
a challenge out there that scared me, and there were not too many wars that I
couldn't win. I got a 4.0 my senior year, performed at Carnegie hall and my
high-school sweetheart turned into my fiancée. My best job prospects were a
traditional and comfortable job near home and family, or a consulting job that
would take us all over the US (and as it turns out, the world) ...guess which
one I choose!
We graduated,
got married and moved to Memphis (our first time living outside of Texas) all
with-in a span of about two weeks.
My career took
off, and my wife and I were having a blast. Personally, our relationship
continued to grow, and I think we really benefitted from living outside the
influences of family and old friends. we lived in 4 states and had the
opportunity to live in England for a year, and travel all over the place. At
the end of the england project we took 4 weeks off to take the trip of a
lifetime! Germany, paragliding in switzerland, Driving all over Italy and
partying in rome and the amalfi coast, followed by a cruise through the greek
islands!
Professionally,
I came to love my career and to understand (and enjoy the fact) that my company
only hired the best people. I was working among industry giants and I was
excelling at it. I was the tops in my class and I would beat myself up over any rating less
than a 5.
Our first child
was born when I had been with the company about 6 years. When she was 6 months
old I was offered a project in Tokyo, and told that my family would be able to
join me if that is what we wanted. As always, we were up for the challenge so I
boarded a plane for Tokyo. I soon find out that the long term phase of the
project had not yet sold, and I spend six months going back and forth to Tokyo.
I hear about my daughters first steps over the phone, and every two weeks I
have to come home to a child who barely knows me. It was THE MOST depressing
time in my life (worse than now)...and the first time in a long time that I
felt I was a failure. My parents were not around to give me the 'we are
disappointed' speech, and my wife would never deliver that message, but I did
not need to hear it...I just knew. The client was not happy that I was gone for
a few days a month, and my family was not happy that I was gone the rest of the
time. I was failing at all aspects of my life, and somehow I had let that
happen. I would like to say that I knew
exactly what to do...but I didn't. I would board the flight back to Tokyo and I
would be depressed. I did not want to quit my job, but I had to do what was
right for my family. I decided, during one of these flights to talk to my boss.
I did not recognize it at the time, but THAT was courage. Because I was scared,
because I had everything to lose, and because I choose to act.
Actually, when I
brought it up to my boss, he was as mortified at the situation as I was and had
a solution in place with-in a week. I had walked into his office ready to quit,
but I never had to play that card. While that situation was difficult, I am
glad I had the experience. It really helped put things into perspective for me,
and helped develop me as a person. It taught my that I should never put my work
ahead of my family and that it is OK to ask for help. Since then, I have still
given work everything I owe it (and more most times), but I have kept it in
perspective.
Since then we
have had two more children, and although my work puts me on the road every
week, I try to make sure that I make up for it when I am home. My kids are my
hobby, and my wife is my escape. If I am not working than I am trying to be the
best husband and dad that I can be...and that keeps me extremely satisfied.
All that brings
me to more recent times...and why I am writing about courage. Close to two
years ago my face went numb. I talked to my doctor and he said it was a muscle
spasm...no big deal and it would go away. I ignored it for a while googled my
symptoms and determined it was, worst case, bell's palsey. Bell's goes away and
does not seem to cause long term damage, so I was good...Except I wasn't.
I was getting a
sinking feeling something else was wrong, and I was trying to get up the
courage to go to the doctor. I woke up one night dripping with sweat, and knew
I had MS. Now I had no clue what MS was, only that there was a bike race for
it. However, the more I googled the more I got to worrying. Don't get me wrong,
I understand how strange it sounds that I self-diagnosed myself with an illness
that I knew nothing about...in a dream. All I can tell you is that it happened,
and it got my ass to the doctor pretty darn quick!
I brought up
this crazy self diagnoses to my wife, but from the look in her eyes I realized
it was a mistake. I am her strong man and the father to her kids, and this is
not news that she needs to deal with until it is EXTREMELY real! (The day
before there was also a crazy clairvoyant moment where I saw the final of the
A&M/Alabama game in the 3rd quarter and ended up being dead on...but I will
save that story for later)
Anyway, Since
then I have tried to stay off of google, and let the doctors do the work. I
have been referred to a neurologist and had an MRI, and I am now waiting for
the results. While I wait I try to muster up enough courage to go about my life
and not let this thing hang over me. I try to keep it from consuming me, and I
try to block it out, but I am not being that successful at it. So, in an act of
desperation, I have turned to this blog.
I realize that
no one will probably read this, but knowing that it is out there helps, and I
need the courage to find ways to help me get through this!
