My First Protest

Tonight I was a part of something. This was something that, 3 months ago I would have bet you a million dollars I would not be a part of. As I was dropping my son off at soccer training,  I drove by a BLM gathering. After dropping him off, I drove by multiple times as I was not going to stop if I saw signs of ACAB, F**K12 or other radical symbols. It seemed peaceful, so I got a cooler, iced down a bunch of bottled water, picked up Cam and we went to see what was going on. What started out as a curiosity, turned into a very moving experience. Here are some of the highlights:

The ‘leader’ was a 19/20 year old man. His first words were “We will not tolerate any violence, if you are here to cause trouble, we don’t want you!’

2^nd up was a 19/20 year old lady. She talked about the power of the vote, the power of dialogue with the other side, and what she had learned from her conversations with the police the night before. Her message was ‘open up dialogue with the opposition and you will be surprised what you learn’

3^rd up was a very large man (think Football DB big...bulk, muscles and height). He spoke about the fact that, at the age of 20 he has been frisked, handcuffed and searched multiple times, but has never been charged with anything. At that moment it hit me…In the last 30 years I have never even been asked to step out of the car. That includes when I got pulled over for going 105 on the interstate, and a night that I drifted out of my lane and the cop thought I could be drunk. There is one difference between me and this man...and it is not his size!

Next up was a mother of 3 teenage boys. She talked about the lessons that she had to teach her boys to ensure that they survived every encounter with the police. The same lessons that her father had to teach her brother 30 years ago. In my own words, I would say her lesson was ‘fear the police’ because of the things that #3 mentioned above. Her prayer was that her boys did not have to teach their sons the same lesson someday. She wants to get to the point where they can respect (vs. fear) the police. It hit me because I recently gave my son the 'Respect the Police' speech that she would love to be able to give.

The final speaker was the president of the local NAACP. She was there to help people register to vote, and she told them where to go to learn about the candidates. One of the questions she was asked was, ‘How do we know WHO to vote for?’ Her answer…’The NAACP is a non-partisan organization. We can’t tell you who to vote for because we don’t know what is best for you as an individual. We encourage all of you to know who is running, learn about them and make an informed decision.’ I could learn a thing or two from her!

Finally, they ended with a prayer. The prayer was for peace and understanding on both sides, followed by a moment of silence for those that have lost their lives to senseless violence, and the families that have had to endure their loss. It struck me that they did not mention black people or police violence…Just senseless violence. (Note: there was a moment of silence prior to the march that was specifically for George Floyd.)

I ended up talking with a few people as the group broke up. There was no hate in any of the people I talked to AT ALL. There were no undertones that ‘black lives’ were better than ‘white lives’. There was genuine concern that their voices would be heard. There was appreciation that we would come out to support them. From the older generation, there was a sense of hope that the younger generation was taking this seriously. The NAACP president even said she felt comfortable passing the baton now that she new the younger generation was ready to accept it.

My transformation is just starting, but the impact that this event had on me truly took me by surprise!

Time for a change?

Ignoring the racial injustice because of the rioting is like writing off your favorite football team because their second-string Offensive Lineman is injured. Yes, that situation needs to be dealt with, but there is so much more that we should be focused on.

I don't support the riots and the burning of our cities, but I also understand that it is a mix of opportunists, anarchists and people who are feeling real pain and have no clue where to direct their anger. However, I am extremely encouraged when I look past the riots for a couple of reasons:

1.      The movement has some powerful leaders: If you have not seen Mayor Keisha Lance Bottoms plea last night, you should watch it! Same goes for Killer Mikes speech. They have a powerful message, they have the mic and most people are willing to listen.

2.      The opposition is silent: I am not talking about the white supremacists…those guys will never shut up. However, look through the comments section on posts about the criminal cop in Minneapolis, or the racist DA in the Ahmaud Arbery case who said there were ‘no grounds for an arrest’. The comments are more one-sided than I have ever seen. While you should expect that because there is absolutely no ground to stand on in these cases, typically there is some opposition (See Botham Jeans murder as a perfect example).

3.      More people are ready to stand up and do something: We all have those friends that constantly remind us of the injustices going on through their posts. After time, I learned to scroll past to find the ‘fun’ part of Facebook. Then there are the occasional posters, who inform you of the ‘big’ events as they are happening. I always appreciated them, and would read about each event, but would refrain from posting because I was afraid I would upset someone. This is different. While I have been a silent ally for most of my life, this is my first post about racial injustice…and it was spurred by a friends first post about racial injustice. This is not a White vs. Black thing; this is a RIGHT vs WRONG thing. You can #Backtheblue and stand up against racial injustice. You can vote Republican or Libertarian, and still stand up against racial injustice. You can understand that #BlackLivesMatter even if you are not raising a black life.

Recent events have taught me that we have a lot further to go than I had expected. However, my blinders are off and I am hopeful that these events can be the spark that ignites all of us to do whatever it takes to make this world a better place for our kids.

Now with all that said, I will go back to posting mainly about kids and fish and fun times. But I am here, I am ready to stand up, and if you made it this far than you just witnessed my transition from silent ally to vocal ally!

I Am a Texan!

I will start with an apology…I did not mean to write a book, but the emotions are high right now!

I am from Texas!

It happens about once a month…I go through TSA, and they ask me where I am from. There is no hesitation when I smile and proudly say ‘I am from Texas’. There is confusion when they look at my license and see I have been in Georgia for almost 20 years, they ask me again, and I am very clear about the fact that I am from Texas.

The events of the last week have been truly heartbreaking. However, the world is getting to see what those of us from Texas have always known, the spirit of Texas is unbreakable. We celebrate the Alamo not because we won the battle, but because we were resilient and we came back and won the war. A couple of things the world should know about us Texans:

We are tough! 

If you have not seen the photo of the nursing home in Dickinson than google it. There are about 10 ladies sitting in wheelchairs and everything looks normal except for the fact that they are in 3 feet of water. Many people thought it was heartbreaking. Many people questioned the authenticity of this photo because those involved were not ‘panicked’ enough. These ladies are true Texans. They kept doing their thing until they were rescued. Texans are tough!

We Are Resourceful! 

When tragedy hits, we don’t sit around and wait for someone to rescue us, we get out our john boats and go rescue our neighbors. Most rescues you see from the storm were not rescues from police and firefighters…they were rescues from average everyday citizens who jumped at the chance to help their fellow man. William Long, the head of FEMA, said before the flooding that ‘Government alone can’t save the day’. Well Texans knew that already and proved it this week…We are resourceful!

We are Positive!

Probably the most frequent statement from my Facebook feed this past week was ‘My heart goes out to those who have really been hit hard by the flooding.’ Sitting 700 miles from the devastation…that was my thought exactly. Except this quote was not just coming from those who were comfortably removed from the situation. This quote was coming from friends who had houses full of evacuees, friends who were evacuated themselves…and even a friend who knew they had water in their house but they had a place to stay. Think about that for a minute…less than .5% of the US population will ever be displaced by flooding, and their hearts go out to those who have REALLY been hit hard. We are Positive!  

We Love!

Full disclosure…I am a straight white male, so I am the last person allowed to talk about discrimination of any kind. However, I can honestly say that growing up in the suburbs of Houston I did not see a lot of discrimination. I had friends that were Black, White, Asian and Hispanic, and as they grew up I learned that some of them were gay. A friend is a friend, and you love them FOR who they are…not in spite of who they are. This was again on full display this week. Neighbors jumped in to help neighbors. When the heroes got in their boats to help out, all they knew was that people were in trouble. Rick Johnson, Daryl Hudeck, Chad Watts, Michael Tran, Rahda Patel and the countless other first responders and citizen hereos you will read about…they do not fit a stereotype. Cynics will say that things will ‘go back to normal’ when the water recedes, but growing up in Texas I can honestly say that this was my normal! In John McGinnis interview (again, if you have not seen it than google it), he said “I’ve never seen so much love in a place in my life!” That is because, as Texans, We Love!

Our Heroes are True Heroes!

Finally, let’s talk about some of our heroes. JJ Watt has been a Texas hero for a while (Thanks Wisconsin…you gave us a good one.) What many did not realize (until recently) is that he is a hero primarily because of what he does off the field. The most popular videos shared among my Houstonian friends are not of his hits on the field. Instead it is video of when he stops at a random football practice to give a pep talk to the young kids, when he proposes to a 6-year-old fan, when he plays football with Sandy Hook families, or when he raises 7.5M (and counting) for flood relief. Mattress Mack, who’s crazy commercials were a favorite of mine growing up in the 80’s, has been doing great things for Houston for over 3 decades. Less than 24 hours into the floods, Mack opened his stores to flood victims and took his trucks out to pick up those who were stranded. His slogan is, “Gallery Furniture Really Will SAVE YOU MONEY!”…well now they have turned to saving lives as well! Finally, this last hero story does not have a happy ending. Coach Ruben Jordan, who is being referred to as a ‘beloved high school track and football coach’, lost his life in the flood. Coach Jordan taught at Clear Creek for 28 years and is a hero because of all the lives that he touched. He was never my track or football coach, but I once told a girl to ‘shut up’ when he was nearby. He pulled me into a class room and gave me a speech about ‘If you want respect you have to give respect…especially to the girls in your life.’ For the rest of High School, whenever he saw me he would say, ‘Ozzy…are you earning respect?’ He was not my track or football coach, but he was my coach. Our Heroes are True Heroes!   

So, Yes…I am from, and will always be from Texas. Even if I never move back…for the rest of my life I will always be a Texan. I am proud of my city, my state and my people, and my heart goes out to those who were impacted by the storm. #HoustonStrong #TexasStrong #TexasPride

Introduction

I was diagnosed with CIDP just two weeks ago. I am still coming to grips with the specific diagnosis, but I have known there was probably something wrong for a couple of years now. I have the relapsing/remitting type, which I guess means I can have long periods of time where I experience no symptoms, and then out of nowhere it can come back. Based on my medical history my neurologist believes that I have had CIDP since my teenage years, and looking back at many different events in my life that makes sense. I am by no means an expert on CIDP. I know that it is a neurological disorder where your auto immune system attacks your nerves, similar to MS. However, CIDP attacks your peripheral nervous system whereas MS attacks your central nervous system. Here are some other things I've learned:

1. It is not a death sentence

2. It impacts everyone differently
3. It is about 1/10 as prevalent as MS, which is why there are no bike rides or running events to raise money and awareness
4. The symptoms are treatable, but as of yet it is not curable (although there is some promising breakthroughs in stem cell research)

A couple of years ago, I started documenting my stories… Not because I planned to share them, but more so because it helped me get a better understanding of myself. Now with the recent diagnosis, I have decided to share them. I will have a bunch of posts that I will deem 'pre-diagnosis' which will come soon, and the post diagnosis will begin as I start to come to terms with CIDP.

Ding Ding Ding Ding…We have a winner!!!

I took my test earlier this week and I passed (a test I did not want to pass) with flying colors. The week has been a whirlwind of emotions and I am now on my way to a well earned family vacation! First, I had the spinal tap on Monday and all went well. I did not have the headache they warned me about, so I got on a plane and went off to work on Tuesday. I was on pins and needles waiting for the results, but I tried to push the anxiety aside and get to work. Tuesday went well, but on Wednesday I could barely work because of the pain in my head and shoulders. Long story short…the pain from a spinal tap typically BEGINS 48 hours after the procedure and can last up to one week. The pain was debilitating, and I had to lay down for three straight days! My wife was fairly understanding…so in the end it all worked out.

Now, while this was going on I received the results from the test. The Dr’s message was that the tests confirmed that I had elevated protein in my spinal fluid. Huh? I had read that elevated protein and elevated white blood cells = MS, and he said nothing about the blood cells, so I took that as a good sign. PLUS, the nurse said that I had Demyelinating Neuropothy…that it would fix itself…and not to google it. Well…that worked about as well as when I tell my dogs to ignore the cake on the counter. As soon as I was off the phone with her I was up on the counter…all up in that cake. The more I read, the more confused I got. Most of the time demyelinating neuropathy’s are brought up with CIDP and Guillian Bar’s Syndrome (GBS), and I knew I did not have GBS, so I was confused. I knew that CIDP was serious and rare, but he did not say CIDP so I was not sure what he meant. I set up an appointment with the dr on Friday and did my best not to eat the cake.

By the time Friday came around I could barely stand up due to the pain. I took a double dose of pain killers and headed off to the Dr. In the lobby the receptionist said I had to re-fill out the paperwork…I told her I was not going to, and she repeated that I had to. I scribbled NO CHANGES on the front and threw the clip board back at her and said that was the best she was getting. I am usually a nice person, but given the circumstances I think I get a pass!

So, by the time I see the dr. I have to lay down to keep from screaming in pain. He comes in and asks if I want to sit up…I tell him no and he proceeds. He repeats the diagnosis, again in cryptic dr talk, so I ask him what resources I could go to for more information. He says to go to the Cleveland clinic web site and look up CIDP. There it was. A five year journey coming to a sudden SCREETCHING HAULT. If I had been standing, I would have collapsed. This is the point in a movie where the dramatic music fades away and you are left with a maddening silence. The silence lasts longer than anyone is really comfortable with, but there is no dialogue that can change the moment…CIDP. I have wanted answers for the last five years, but now that I had them I wanted to put the genie back in the bottle. CIDP. Chronic, Inflammatory, Demyelinating PolyNeuropathy. I remember reading that CIDP was like MS without the bike rides because it is much more rare. MS starts central and works it’s way outward…CIDP starts outward and works it’s way inward. CIDP. CIDP. CIDP. For the last 30 hours those letters have gone through my mind 1,000 times!

This is the cliff hanger that ends the second book of my life and keeps me on the edge of my seat to see what the third book has in store…As devastating as Good Friday was (Ironic that it was on Good Friday that I got the diagnosis…I guess that Good Friday was pretty bad for Jesus as well!), it actually answers a lot of questions.

My ankles quit working when I was 15…CIDP. I have had lower back pain on and off throughout my life…CIDP. What felt like a pinched nerve on and off throughout college…CIDP. The last two years of my streak I had many runs where I could not muster up enough energy to even complete the mile…CIDP.

My Dr. believes that I have had this since adolescence. That means that…I have become that ‘rock-star’ that I described a while ago in spite of CIDP. I ran every day for five years with CIDP. I have completed 5 marathons with CIDP. I have had a very successful career with CIDP. I have a phenomenal family, with CIDP. CIDP is an obstacle that I have been overcoming for many years…just because it has a name now does not meant that I will fight it any differently. CIDP does not define who I am…CIDP does not define who I will be…The wounds are still too fresh for me to understand that…but I am on my way. Stay tuned for the next book in my life. I do not know the outcome yet, but I hope to make it a story of thriving and surviving!

I'm BAAAAACK!

It has been a while. Things have been going good…The kids are growing fast, work is going great, all in all things are pretty good which is why I have not written anything in a while. The last time I went to the Neurologist he did not seem concerned. In fact, he said the next step was most likely the psychologist because it was likely stress related, or in my head. I know the mind is a powerful tool…but I also know that this shit is real. However, since it does not impact my motor skills, he said there was no reason to worry and to come back if things got much worse. Over a couple month period I felt the numbness slowly move from my foot all the way up to my knee. It had been about 9 months since my neurologist called me crazy, so I figured I would give it one more shot and if he still thought I was crazy than I would get another opinion. I also found some information on-line on Gluten intolerance, and some symptoms that sounded very similar to mine.

So, I scheduled a visit to the Neurologist and gave up Gluten. I was pretty gung ho on the Gluten thing…I finally found symptoms that related to mine, which means I could have found the source, and if the source is Gluten…well that would be Awesome to know! A trip to the local sprouts health food market and I was all set.

Then, at the Neurologist he decided to re-run some tests. The tests showed nerve deterioration, and from that point on the dr’s tone got a little more serious. At some point I realized that up until the point that the tests showed issues, he had no reason to believe that anything I described to him was true. By nature I am a sceptic of others, so I understand his point of view, but I never once thought that he did not believe me about the numbness until that point. I brought up to him the Gluten free angle, and he was fairly certain that it would have no impact, but it would not have a negative impact and placebo's have been effective for some things in life, so he said go ahead. He ordered a spinal tap ASAP…which is a critical step in diagnosing diseases like MS. There is an 80%-90% chance that, if I have MS it will show up on the tests. That also means that a negative test does not mean I am in the clear, but it will give me some peace of mind.

I am not sure whether to be happy or sad or scared. I could be two weeks from knowing what is going on, which would be a good think, except that it would mean that something serious is wrong with me. It has forced me to face the issue head on, and I am scared shitless. I have barely slept in the last week, and my mind is constantly racing at 100 miles a minute. All I can do is count the ticks on the clock until it is time to get my tests and get the results…Tick Tock Tick Tock…

Am I Crazy???

Does a crazy person know that they are crazy? I think Crazy is more of an objective measurement, so I think it is pretty hard to tell. Don’t get me wrong, I know I am not ‘eat paint chips and throw my own feces’ crazy…I think those people can tell by the strait jackets! When I got fat, there was a measurement that told me I was fat. Many people may argue with the BMI, but it does give us all a measuring stick with which to rate ourselves. Once I was well above the appropriate BMI I could not deny I was fat even when my wife would (lie, and) tell me that I am fine. There is no such measurement for crazy. In fact, history has shown that it is not that hard to ‘hide your crazy’. Here is what I know:

1.      I have symptoms that the doctor can’t find

      2.      I woke up from a dream and KNEW that I had MS, even though I had no idea at the time   what MS was
      3.      As a result of the dream, I self-diagnosed MS
      4.      Any time a new ‘symptom’ comes up I immediately jump to the internet and begin doing my doctors work
      5.      My doctor believes that the next step is the psychologist

When you add all of this up, it is hard NOT to determine that there is at least a hint of looney tunes going on inside my head. Maybe, just maybe, the first step to recovery from crazy is just like alcoholism…you have to admit you have a problem. So, I guess I will admit I am a little crazy. Now I have to find out if whatever is causing the numbness is making me crazy, or if the crazy is making me numb! Let’s go with #1 for now, and we will re-assess every year or so!