It just got REAL!

Until now, my issues have been just a side show to my regular life. I go to the doctor every few months and stew about what could be wrong with me…but it has been a private stewing. Well, today I made the very difficult decision that I should go the director path (instead of partner) at work. I have good reasons for this…but none that I can really share. Many people will question my decision (including my wife!), and all I can say is that…in my heart it feels like the right decision long term. If I knew what was going on than the decision would be different, but I don’t! So, this is the first time this shit has really impacted my life. I hope it is the last, but at this point I have accepted that something is wrong and I just have to put it in others hands to figure out what.

It is over!

1,937 days…and the streak is over. I am not sure how to feel right now. My goal was to end it on my terms, and I did not do that. However, I think I had come to the realization that I would never be able to end it on my terms because I would never end it unless I could not walk (and right now I can not walk). Ironically, it comes on my wife’s birthday and it was a result of me seeing out one of my life’s goals.

To understand this, you have to go back to 1998 when I first started with KSA. My boss was a great man who I will always look up to, and he is one of the reasons I have been so successful in consulting all these years. He is one of the few that I believe had found that right balance between consulting and family, and I have tried to model myself after his example.

Torre was his son’s soccer coach, and I remember times when he would tell the client that he could not be there…and it was most likely because he had to coach. He was confident enough in his value to the client that he did not have to sacrifice his devotion to his family. I believe that he also understood that, if he did not work on the family stuff than he could not succeed at the consulting stuff... A great example that I follow to this day.

So, one of my life’s goals back then was to coach my kids team. I did not care what sport, or what age, or for how long…just that I wanted to be coach! However, over the years I kind of forgot about that goal. I let the work take over a little too much and let the family stuff coast on cruise control. Fast forward to 2012 when I started to get the feeling that something may be wrong with me…

Side note: Whatever is wrong with me it is still undiagnosed. MRI showed a lesion, and the doctor said MS is a possibility, or the lesion could be perfectly normal. The doctor said they needed to wait another year or so and see if another lesion shows up. I have bouts of ZERO energy, some lingering yet unexplained muscle pain, I still can’t feel a lot of my face and I have numbness in my extremities a lot! This puts me in this fun waiting game…the good news is I do not have an actual diagnosis of MS…the bad news is I do not have a diagnosis of anything that explains why my body is freaking out on me.

Anyway, I started to try and put things into perspective and make sure I was putting family first. I had the opportunity to be my sons assistant coach for flag football (Actually, my wife made me sign up, but now I am glad she did!) The week before the season I get a call that they are out of coaches, and would I be the head coach. Well, I know nothing about flag football but it is 5-6 year olds so what could go wrong. Then, two days later we get a call that there are not enough 5-6 year olds so they are combining them with the 7-8 year olds…but still not enough coaches so I had to be head coach. I go into study mode and come up with a game plan, a play book, practice drills, formations, etc. Next thing you know I am a head coach with a clipboard, a whistle, and a bunch of kids who look to me for guidance on something that I know nothing about! Fast forward to week 4 of the season…I have had a bunch of stiffness in my legs, probably from this mysterious whatever the hell is going on with me. I step out on to the field for practice, and during the first drill I pull my calf…and not just a normal pull…a fall to the ground and fight back the tears because there is ‘no crying in football’ pull. The next three hours were more of the same (we had a double header…yea!) We won both games, but about every 5^th play I felt the muscle pull some more.

By the time I got home I could not walk. My wife carried me into the house and I started a steady rotation of pain killers and alcohol so that I could do my mile. By 11:30 I was ready…I took a double shot of painkillers and a couple swigs of beer and headed to the basement. 5 minutes later I was at the door…which would not have been that bad if it were not 10 feet away! I quickly did the math and realized that at that pace my mile would be completed by the next month…and I slowly came to the realization that the streak was over. VERY disappointing, almost to the point of depression, but fitting that it was on my wife’s birthday (she was never a big fan of the streak anyway), and at least it was a result of something I loved doing. If I could go back…I wouldn’t! 5 years was a damn good run, but coaching those boys to victory is pretty good too!

Thank You Selena!

When I was waiting to get on my flight tonight there was the cutest little girl with a surgical mask waiting to board the plane. She was just about my daughters age (8) and full of energy. I overheard her mom talking, and this little girl was just coming back from St. Jude after getting her final radiation treatment of the year. Final, not because the cancer was cured and she could go home and live her life, but final because her frail body could not take another treatment for another few months. The doctors told them to go home and hope it does not progress. The mother wanted someone to talk to, so me and some others obliged so that she could tell us what a spectacular daughter she had, and what great people there were at St Jude.

As she talked about it she cried, and Selena came over to comfort her mother. She gave her mother a big hug and told her to be happy because at least they will get to sleep in their own bed tonight. Selena knew what was going on...she has been living this life for a while. Rather than wallow in her self pity she looked at the bright side...which for her was that she got to go home and sleep in her own bed.

It kind of put me in my place a bit. I can't begin to imagine what Selena and her mom are going through. Whatever I am dealing with, it is not terminal. I am not a child having to give up recess for chemo.

So...Thank You Selena for putting me in my place. Tonight, instead of praying about me non-stop, I will say a prayer for you and your mom. Not just a prayer of healing, but a prayer of thanks and humility for the lesson that you have helped me to remember.

Courage

I have always thought that courage was the absence of fear...or at least, when I would see someone 'courageous' than I would assume that the person was devoid of fear.

I am now learning, quite possibly the hard way, that the absence of fear is naivety...and courage is more defined by the repression and/or the facing of that fear. Maybe I am going too fast...let me start with a little about myself.

I am a 37 year old 'rock-star'. Not a rockstar in the Van halen sense of the word, but in my world at least. Some would say that I was born with a silver spoon in my mouth, but for one reason or another, many that were born with that same silver spoon have not used it as well as me. I have always tried to be the pride and joy of the family, and figured that it was my responsibility to validate the job that my parents had done. This may have been presumptuous on my part, and I'm sure that they did not need me to do this, but it always drove me to do better which has resulted in great things, so I will stick with it.

I remember in 4th grade when my parents sat me down to tell me I had disappointed them because I had received 2 f's on my report card. My brother was in drug rehab at the age of 13, but I had disappointed them. That was the first of many wake-up calls in my life, but it pretty much steered me straight for the next 10 years. Sure, I drank and smoked during high school, but I tried to hide it from my parents and I did my best to make up for it. I excelled at music, because that made my mom happy, and I excelled at math because that made my dad happy. I had friends that went off to break into cars and cause trouble, but I always found a way of talking my way out of it. I did well on my SAT's and got into college with no problems...and unceremoniously went off to start the rest of my life.

In college I spent the first year focusing on me. My high school sweetheart went off to a different school and we decided to see other people, so I spent the year trying to find things that I enjoyed more than 'class' and 'responsibility'. I was an Engineering major at Texas A&M who enjoyed partying, drinking and building bonfire much more than attending class. The end result was a sub-par GPA, a pissed off high school sweetheart, and another one of those 'we are disappointed in you' speeches from my parents. I went back home that summer to find myself, and was very quickly right where I had left off. My sweetheart had decided to transfer to A&M, Engineering took me back for one last chance, and The Singing Cadets called to me with open arms. It was not long until I was back to living up to everyones expectations. I did not make the best grades, but I always did good enough. I was not the best boyfriend, but I was by no means the worst either. I built a lot of strength during this time, and back then I probably thought I was really courageous. Engineering was kicking people out left and right, but I stood up to the challenge and made it. My college money ran out when I still had a year left, but I found a job and made it work (OK, maybe people are not too far off on the silver spoon thing). There was not a challenge out there that scared me, and there were not too many wars that I couldn't win. I got a 4.0 my senior year, performed at Carnegie hall and my high-school sweetheart turned into my fiancée. My best job prospects were a traditional and comfortable job near home and family, or a consulting job that would take us all over the US (and as it turns out, the world) ...guess which one I choose!

We graduated, got married and moved to Memphis (our first time living outside of Texas) all with-in a span of about two weeks.

My career took off, and my wife and I were having a blast. Personally, our relationship continued to grow, and I think we really benefitted from living outside the influences of family and old friends. we lived in 4 states and had the opportunity to live in England for a year, and travel all over the place. At the end of the england project we took 4 weeks off to take the trip of a lifetime! Germany, paragliding in switzerland, Driving all over Italy and partying in rome and the amalfi coast, followed by a cruise through the greek islands!

Professionally, I came to love my career and to understand (and enjoy the fact) that my company only hired the best people. I was working among industry giants and I was excelling at it. I was the tops in my class and I would beat myself up over any rating less than a 5.

Our first child was born when I had been with the company about 6 years. When she was 6 months old I was offered a project in Tokyo, and told that my family would be able to join me if that is what we wanted. As always, we were up for the challenge so I boarded a plane for Tokyo. I soon find out that the long term phase of the project had not yet sold, and I spend six months going back and forth to Tokyo. I hear about my daughters first steps over the phone, and every two weeks I have to come home to a child who barely knows me. It was THE MOST depressing time in my life (worse than now)...and the first time in a long time that I felt I was a failure. My parents were not around to give me the 'we are disappointed' speech, and my wife would never deliver that message, but I did not need to hear it...I just knew. The client was not happy that I was gone for a few days a month, and my family was not happy that I was gone the rest of the time. I was failing at all aspects of my life, and somehow I had let that happen.  I would like to say that I knew exactly what to do...but I didn't. I would board the flight back to Tokyo and I would be depressed. I did not want to quit my job, but I had to do what was right for my family. I decided, during one of these flights to talk to my boss. I did not recognize it at the time, but THAT was courage. Because I was scared, because I had everything to lose, and because I choose to act. 

Actually, when I brought it up to my boss, he was as mortified at the situation as I was and had a solution in place with-in a week. I had walked into his office ready to quit, but I never had to play that card. While that situation was difficult, I am glad I had the experience. It really helped put things into perspective for me, and helped develop me as a person. It taught my that I should never put my work ahead of my family and that it is OK to ask for help. Since then, I have still given work everything I owe it (and more most times), but I have kept it in perspective.

Since then we have had two more children, and although my work puts me on the road every week, I try to make sure that I make up for it when I am home. My kids are my hobby, and my wife is my escape. If I am not working than I am trying to be the best husband and dad that I can be...and that keeps me extremely satisfied.

All that brings me to more recent times...and why I am writing about courage. Close to two years ago my face went numb. I talked to my doctor and he said it was a muscle spasm...no big deal and it would go away. I ignored it for a while googled my symptoms and determined it was, worst case, bell's palsey. Bell's goes away and does not seem to cause long term damage, so I was good...Except I wasn't.

I was getting a sinking feeling something else was wrong, and I was trying to get up the courage to go to the doctor. I woke up one night dripping with sweat, and knew I had MS. Now I had no clue what MS was, only that there was a bike race for it. However, the more I googled the more I got to worrying. Don't get me wrong, I understand how strange it sounds that I self-diagnosed myself with an illness that I knew nothing about...in a dream. All I can tell you is that it happened, and it got my ass to the doctor pretty darn quick!

I brought up this crazy self diagnoses to my wife, but from the look in her eyes I realized it was a mistake. I am her strong man and the father to her kids, and this is not news that she needs to deal with until it is EXTREMELY real! (The day before there was also a crazy clairvoyant moment where I saw the final of the A&M/Alabama game in the 3rd quarter and ended up being dead on...but I will save that story for later)

Anyway, Since then I have tried to stay off of google, and let the doctors do the work. I have been referred to a neurologist and had an MRI, and I am now waiting for the results. While I wait I try to muster up enough courage to go about my life and not let this thing hang over me. I try to keep it from consuming me, and I try to block it out, but I am not being that successful at it. So, in an act of desperation, I have turned to this blog.

I realize that no one will probably read this, but knowing that it is out there helps, and I need the courage to find ways to help me get through this!