Sorry!

Tonight that word really pisses me off. Not because I had to say it (I believe it is warranted). More because I do not know exactly why I had to say it. Is it sorry because I somehow caused this feeling that I have been having? Maybe sorry because I am too scared to go to the appropriate doctors to get a diagnosis on what is really wrong with me (don’t get me wrong…I have tried…my general doctor 4 times, neurologist twice, CT scan, MRI, etc.) Maybe it is sorry for the way I have been acting, but I feel that I have no control over that. Maybe it is sorry for not being able to have control over it. Is it sorry for not communicating all the things that are going on in my body. Is it sorry for trying to protect you from worrying about me? I think it is ultimately that…and I am truly sorry.

You raise me up and I raise you up…The one time I tried to communicate to you what was wrong, I could see you come crashing down…which ultimately would bring me down as well. So, like a proud dog trying to convince his owner he is not hurt, I have been downplaying the shit I am going through. I have given up on getting diagnosed with anything anytime soon, and I just pray that right now I am at the bottom and things are going to get better.

I ask you to not give up on me. Every day I will work my ass off to keep this from impacting our family. Some days I am successful, many days I am not, but I will wake up tomorrow and try again.

Of course, I cannot ask you that out loud…because nothing is wrong with me. I can’t tell you why I have been lazy…I have to let you go on believing it is a character flaw until the dr’s can give me a better reason. I have to hide my anger because the outbursts I want to have…need to have…are not fair to anyone but me.

Confusion does not begin to explain what I am going through. I have a very real fear that I am simply a hypochondriac, looking for symptoms that are not there. I truly do not believe that, but do crazy people know they are crazy? It sounds strange, but I want a diagnosis of something… because a diagnosis means I am not crazy.

So for now, I will just say I am sorry. You will believe that I am sorry for being lazy, which is a half truth…but it is better that way.