My First Protest

Tonight I was a part of something. This was something that, 3 months ago I would have bet you a million dollars I would not be a part of. As I was dropping my son off at soccer training,  I drove by a BLM gathering. After dropping him off, I drove by multiple times as I was not going to stop if I saw signs of ACAB, F**K12 or other radical symbols. It seemed peaceful, so I got a cooler, iced down a bunch of bottled water, picked up Cam and we went to see what was going on. What started out as a curiosity, turned into a very moving experience. Here are some of the highlights:

The ‘leader’ was a 19/20 year old man. His first words were “We will not tolerate any violence, if you are here to cause trouble, we don’t want you!’

2^nd up was a 19/20 year old lady. She talked about the power of the vote, the power of dialogue with the other side, and what she had learned from her conversations with the police the night before. Her message was ‘open up dialogue with the opposition and you will be surprised what you learn’

3^rd up was a very large man (think Football DB big...bulk, muscles and height). He spoke about the fact that, at the age of 20 he has been frisked, handcuffed and searched multiple times, but has never been charged with anything. At that moment it hit me…In the last 30 years I have never even been asked to step out of the car. That includes when I got pulled over for going 105 on the interstate, and a night that I drifted out of my lane and the cop thought I could be drunk. There is one difference between me and this man...and it is not his size!

Next up was a mother of 3 teenage boys. She talked about the lessons that she had to teach her boys to ensure that they survived every encounter with the police. The same lessons that her father had to teach her brother 30 years ago. In my own words, I would say her lesson was ‘fear the police’ because of the things that #3 mentioned above. Her prayer was that her boys did not have to teach their sons the same lesson someday. She wants to get to the point where they can respect (vs. fear) the police. It hit me because I recently gave my son the 'Respect the Police' speech that she would love to be able to give.

The final speaker was the president of the local NAACP. She was there to help people register to vote, and she told them where to go to learn about the candidates. One of the questions she was asked was, ‘How do we know WHO to vote for?’ Her answer…’The NAACP is a non-partisan organization. We can’t tell you who to vote for because we don’t know what is best for you as an individual. We encourage all of you to know who is running, learn about them and make an informed decision.’ I could learn a thing or two from her!

Finally, they ended with a prayer. The prayer was for peace and understanding on both sides, followed by a moment of silence for those that have lost their lives to senseless violence, and the families that have had to endure their loss. It struck me that they did not mention black people or police violence…Just senseless violence. (Note: there was a moment of silence prior to the march that was specifically for George Floyd.)

I ended up talking with a few people as the group broke up. There was no hate in any of the people I talked to AT ALL. There were no undertones that ‘black lives’ were better than ‘white lives’. There was genuine concern that their voices would be heard. There was appreciation that we would come out to support them. From the older generation, there was a sense of hope that the younger generation was taking this seriously. The NAACP president even said she felt comfortable passing the baton now that she new the younger generation was ready to accept it.

My transformation is just starting, but the impact that this event had on me truly took me by surprise!

Time for a change?

Ignoring the racial injustice because of the rioting is like writing off your favorite football team because their second-string Offensive Lineman is injured. Yes, that situation needs to be dealt with, but there is so much more that we should be focused on.

I don't support the riots and the burning of our cities, but I also understand that it is a mix of opportunists, anarchists and people who are feeling real pain and have no clue where to direct their anger. However, I am extremely encouraged when I look past the riots for a couple of reasons:

1.      The movement has some powerful leaders: If you have not seen Mayor Keisha Lance Bottoms plea last night, you should watch it! Same goes for Killer Mikes speech. They have a powerful message, they have the mic and most people are willing to listen.

2.      The opposition is silent: I am not talking about the white supremacists…those guys will never shut up. However, look through the comments section on posts about the criminal cop in Minneapolis, or the racist DA in the Ahmaud Arbery case who said there were ‘no grounds for an arrest’. The comments are more one-sided than I have ever seen. While you should expect that because there is absolutely no ground to stand on in these cases, typically there is some opposition (See Botham Jeans murder as a perfect example).

3.      More people are ready to stand up and do something: We all have those friends that constantly remind us of the injustices going on through their posts. After time, I learned to scroll past to find the ‘fun’ part of Facebook. Then there are the occasional posters, who inform you of the ‘big’ events as they are happening. I always appreciated them, and would read about each event, but would refrain from posting because I was afraid I would upset someone. This is different. While I have been a silent ally for most of my life, this is my first post about racial injustice…and it was spurred by a friends first post about racial injustice. This is not a White vs. Black thing; this is a RIGHT vs WRONG thing. You can #Backtheblue and stand up against racial injustice. You can vote Republican or Libertarian, and still stand up against racial injustice. You can understand that #BlackLivesMatter even if you are not raising a black life.

Recent events have taught me that we have a lot further to go than I had expected. However, my blinders are off and I am hopeful that these events can be the spark that ignites all of us to do whatever it takes to make this world a better place for our kids.

Now with all that said, I will go back to posting mainly about kids and fish and fun times. But I am here, I am ready to stand up, and if you made it this far than you just witnessed my transition from silent ally to vocal ally!

I Am a Texan!

I will start with an apology…I did not mean to write a book, but the emotions are high right now!

I am from Texas!

It happens about once a month…I go through TSA, and they ask me where I am from. There is no hesitation when I smile and proudly say ‘I am from Texas’. There is confusion when they look at my license and see I have been in Georgia for almost 20 years, they ask me again, and I am very clear about the fact that I am from Texas.

The events of the last week have been truly heartbreaking. However, the world is getting to see what those of us from Texas have always known, the spirit of Texas is unbreakable. We celebrate the Alamo not because we won the battle, but because we were resilient and we came back and won the war. A couple of things the world should know about us Texans:

We are tough! 

If you have not seen the photo of the nursing home in Dickinson than google it. There are about 10 ladies sitting in wheelchairs and everything looks normal except for the fact that they are in 3 feet of water. Many people thought it was heartbreaking. Many people questioned the authenticity of this photo because those involved were not ‘panicked’ enough. These ladies are true Texans. They kept doing their thing until they were rescued. Texans are tough!

We Are Resourceful! 

When tragedy hits, we don’t sit around and wait for someone to rescue us, we get out our john boats and go rescue our neighbors. Most rescues you see from the storm were not rescues from police and firefighters…they were rescues from average everyday citizens who jumped at the chance to help their fellow man. William Long, the head of FEMA, said before the flooding that ‘Government alone can’t save the day’. Well Texans knew that already and proved it this week…We are resourceful!

We are Positive!

Probably the most frequent statement from my Facebook feed this past week was ‘My heart goes out to those who have really been hit hard by the flooding.’ Sitting 700 miles from the devastation…that was my thought exactly. Except this quote was not just coming from those who were comfortably removed from the situation. This quote was coming from friends who had houses full of evacuees, friends who were evacuated themselves…and even a friend who knew they had water in their house but they had a place to stay. Think about that for a minute…less than .5% of the US population will ever be displaced by flooding, and their hearts go out to those who have REALLY been hit hard. We are Positive!  

We Love!

Full disclosure…I am a straight white male, so I am the last person allowed to talk about discrimination of any kind. However, I can honestly say that growing up in the suburbs of Houston I did not see a lot of discrimination. I had friends that were Black, White, Asian and Hispanic, and as they grew up I learned that some of them were gay. A friend is a friend, and you love them FOR who they are…not in spite of who they are. This was again on full display this week. Neighbors jumped in to help neighbors. When the heroes got in their boats to help out, all they knew was that people were in trouble. Rick Johnson, Daryl Hudeck, Chad Watts, Michael Tran, Rahda Patel and the countless other first responders and citizen hereos you will read about…they do not fit a stereotype. Cynics will say that things will ‘go back to normal’ when the water recedes, but growing up in Texas I can honestly say that this was my normal! In John McGinnis interview (again, if you have not seen it than google it), he said “I’ve never seen so much love in a place in my life!” That is because, as Texans, We Love!

Our Heroes are True Heroes!

Finally, let’s talk about some of our heroes. JJ Watt has been a Texas hero for a while (Thanks Wisconsin…you gave us a good one.) What many did not realize (until recently) is that he is a hero primarily because of what he does off the field. The most popular videos shared among my Houstonian friends are not of his hits on the field. Instead it is video of when he stops at a random football practice to give a pep talk to the young kids, when he proposes to a 6-year-old fan, when he plays football with Sandy Hook families, or when he raises 7.5M (and counting) for flood relief. Mattress Mack, who’s crazy commercials were a favorite of mine growing up in the 80’s, has been doing great things for Houston for over 3 decades. Less than 24 hours into the floods, Mack opened his stores to flood victims and took his trucks out to pick up those who were stranded. His slogan is, “Gallery Furniture Really Will SAVE YOU MONEY!”…well now they have turned to saving lives as well! Finally, this last hero story does not have a happy ending. Coach Ruben Jordan, who is being referred to as a ‘beloved high school track and football coach’, lost his life in the flood. Coach Jordan taught at Clear Creek for 28 years and is a hero because of all the lives that he touched. He was never my track or football coach, but I once told a girl to ‘shut up’ when he was nearby. He pulled me into a class room and gave me a speech about ‘If you want respect you have to give respect…especially to the girls in your life.’ For the rest of High School, whenever he saw me he would say, ‘Ozzy…are you earning respect?’ He was not my track or football coach, but he was my coach. Our Heroes are True Heroes!   

So, Yes…I am from, and will always be from Texas. Even if I never move back…for the rest of my life I will always be a Texan. I am proud of my city, my state and my people, and my heart goes out to those who were impacted by the storm. #HoustonStrong #TexasStrong #TexasPride

Introduction

I was diagnosed with CIDP just two weeks ago. I am still coming to grips with the specific diagnosis, but I have known there was probably something wrong for a couple of years now. I have the relapsing/remitting type, which I guess means I can have long periods of time where I experience no symptoms, and then out of nowhere it can come back. Based on my medical history my neurologist believes that I have had CIDP since my teenage years, and looking back at many different events in my life that makes sense. I am by no means an expert on CIDP. I know that it is a neurological disorder where your auto immune system attacks your nerves, similar to MS. However, CIDP attacks your peripheral nervous system whereas MS attacks your central nervous system. Here are some other things I've learned:

1. It is not a death sentence

2. It impacts everyone differently
3. It is about 1/10 as prevalent as MS, which is why there are no bike rides or running events to raise money and awareness
4. The symptoms are treatable, but as of yet it is not curable (although there is some promising breakthroughs in stem cell research)

A couple of years ago, I started documenting my stories… Not because I planned to share them, but more so because it helped me get a better understanding of myself. Now with the recent diagnosis, I have decided to share them. I will have a bunch of posts that I will deem 'pre-diagnosis' which will come soon, and the post diagnosis will begin as I start to come to terms with CIDP.

Ding Ding Ding Ding…We have a winner!!!

I took my test earlier this week and I passed (a test I did not want to pass) with flying colors. The week has been a whirlwind of emotions and I am now on my way to a well earned family vacation! First, I had the spinal tap on Monday and all went well. I did not have the headache they warned me about, so I got on a plane and went off to work on Tuesday. I was on pins and needles waiting for the results, but I tried to push the anxiety aside and get to work. Tuesday went well, but on Wednesday I could barely work because of the pain in my head and shoulders. Long story short…the pain from a spinal tap typically BEGINS 48 hours after the procedure and can last up to one week. The pain was debilitating, and I had to lay down for three straight days! My wife was fairly understanding…so in the end it all worked out.

Now, while this was going on I received the results from the test. The Dr’s message was that the tests confirmed that I had elevated protein in my spinal fluid. Huh? I had read that elevated protein and elevated white blood cells = MS, and he said nothing about the blood cells, so I took that as a good sign. PLUS, the nurse said that I had Demyelinating Neuropothy…that it would fix itself…and not to google it. Well…that worked about as well as when I tell my dogs to ignore the cake on the counter. As soon as I was off the phone with her I was up on the counter…all up in that cake. The more I read, the more confused I got. Most of the time demyelinating neuropathy’s are brought up with CIDP and Guillian Bar’s Syndrome (GBS), and I knew I did not have GBS, so I was confused. I knew that CIDP was serious and rare, but he did not say CIDP so I was not sure what he meant. I set up an appointment with the dr on Friday and did my best not to eat the cake.

By the time Friday came around I could barely stand up due to the pain. I took a double dose of pain killers and headed off to the Dr. In the lobby the receptionist said I had to re-fill out the paperwork…I told her I was not going to, and she repeated that I had to. I scribbled NO CHANGES on the front and threw the clip board back at her and said that was the best she was getting. I am usually a nice person, but given the circumstances I think I get a pass!

So, by the time I see the dr. I have to lay down to keep from screaming in pain. He comes in and asks if I want to sit up…I tell him no and he proceeds. He repeats the diagnosis, again in cryptic dr talk, so I ask him what resources I could go to for more information. He says to go to the Cleveland clinic web site and look up CIDP. There it was. A five year journey coming to a sudden SCREETCHING HAULT. If I had been standing, I would have collapsed. This is the point in a movie where the dramatic music fades away and you are left with a maddening silence. The silence lasts longer than anyone is really comfortable with, but there is no dialogue that can change the moment…CIDP. I have wanted answers for the last five years, but now that I had them I wanted to put the genie back in the bottle. CIDP. Chronic, Inflammatory, Demyelinating PolyNeuropathy. I remember reading that CIDP was like MS without the bike rides because it is much more rare. MS starts central and works it’s way outward…CIDP starts outward and works it’s way inward. CIDP. CIDP. CIDP. For the last 30 hours those letters have gone through my mind 1,000 times!

This is the cliff hanger that ends the second book of my life and keeps me on the edge of my seat to see what the third book has in store…As devastating as Good Friday was (Ironic that it was on Good Friday that I got the diagnosis…I guess that Good Friday was pretty bad for Jesus as well!), it actually answers a lot of questions.

My ankles quit working when I was 15…CIDP. I have had lower back pain on and off throughout my life…CIDP. What felt like a pinched nerve on and off throughout college…CIDP. The last two years of my streak I had many runs where I could not muster up enough energy to even complete the mile…CIDP.

My Dr. believes that I have had this since adolescence. That means that…I have become that ‘rock-star’ that I described a while ago in spite of CIDP. I ran every day for five years with CIDP. I have completed 5 marathons with CIDP. I have had a very successful career with CIDP. I have a phenomenal family, with CIDP. CIDP is an obstacle that I have been overcoming for many years…just because it has a name now does not meant that I will fight it any differently. CIDP does not define who I am…CIDP does not define who I will be…The wounds are still too fresh for me to understand that…but I am on my way. Stay tuned for the next book in my life. I do not know the outcome yet, but I hope to make it a story of thriving and surviving!

I'm BAAAAACK!

It has been a while. Things have been going good…The kids are growing fast, work is going great, all in all things are pretty good which is why I have not written anything in a while. The last time I went to the Neurologist he did not seem concerned. In fact, he said the next step was most likely the psychologist because it was likely stress related, or in my head. I know the mind is a powerful tool…but I also know that this shit is real. However, since it does not impact my motor skills, he said there was no reason to worry and to come back if things got much worse. Over a couple month period I felt the numbness slowly move from my foot all the way up to my knee. It had been about 9 months since my neurologist called me crazy, so I figured I would give it one more shot and if he still thought I was crazy than I would get another opinion. I also found some information on-line on Gluten intolerance, and some symptoms that sounded very similar to mine.

So, I scheduled a visit to the Neurologist and gave up Gluten. I was pretty gung ho on the Gluten thing…I finally found symptoms that related to mine, which means I could have found the source, and if the source is Gluten…well that would be Awesome to know! A trip to the local sprouts health food market and I was all set.

Then, at the Neurologist he decided to re-run some tests. The tests showed nerve deterioration, and from that point on the dr’s tone got a little more serious. At some point I realized that up until the point that the tests showed issues, he had no reason to believe that anything I described to him was true. By nature I am a sceptic of others, so I understand his point of view, but I never once thought that he did not believe me about the numbness until that point. I brought up to him the Gluten free angle, and he was fairly certain that it would have no impact, but it would not have a negative impact and placebo's have been effective for some things in life, so he said go ahead. He ordered a spinal tap ASAP…which is a critical step in diagnosing diseases like MS. There is an 80%-90% chance that, if I have MS it will show up on the tests. That also means that a negative test does not mean I am in the clear, but it will give me some peace of mind.

I am not sure whether to be happy or sad or scared. I could be two weeks from knowing what is going on, which would be a good think, except that it would mean that something serious is wrong with me. It has forced me to face the issue head on, and I am scared shitless. I have barely slept in the last week, and my mind is constantly racing at 100 miles a minute. All I can do is count the ticks on the clock until it is time to get my tests and get the results…Tick Tock Tick Tock…

Am I Crazy???

Does a crazy person know that they are crazy? I think Crazy is more of an objective measurement, so I think it is pretty hard to tell. Don’t get me wrong, I know I am not ‘eat paint chips and throw my own feces’ crazy…I think those people can tell by the strait jackets! When I got fat, there was a measurement that told me I was fat. Many people may argue with the BMI, but it does give us all a measuring stick with which to rate ourselves. Once I was well above the appropriate BMI I could not deny I was fat even when my wife would (lie, and) tell me that I am fine. There is no such measurement for crazy. In fact, history has shown that it is not that hard to ‘hide your crazy’. Here is what I know:

1.      I have symptoms that the doctor can’t find

      2.      I woke up from a dream and KNEW that I had MS, even though I had no idea at the time   what MS was
      3.      As a result of the dream, I self-diagnosed MS
      4.      Any time a new ‘symptom’ comes up I immediately jump to the internet and begin doing my doctors work
      5.      My doctor believes that the next step is the psychologist

When you add all of this up, it is hard NOT to determine that there is at least a hint of looney tunes going on inside my head. Maybe, just maybe, the first step to recovery from crazy is just like alcoholism…you have to admit you have a problem. So, I guess I will admit I am a little crazy. Now I have to find out if whatever is causing the numbness is making me crazy, or if the crazy is making me numb! Let’s go with #1 for now, and we will re-assess every year or so!

Sorry...again

I figured it out. I finally figured out why I am sorry! I am sorry that I have not trusted you enough to let you in on my concerns. We had a wonderful weekend presenting at Living in Love. We stood in front of a large group of people and talked about our marriage. How much we love each other, how great we are together, and the things we have learned over the years. Well, all this talking about a great marriage got me thinking that maybe I need you in my corner. So, I am not sure how or when, but I am going to find a way to break it to you that I may have something wrong with me. I am sorry it has taken this long, and I am sorry for potentially getting you worried about something that may or may not be wrong with me, but at this point I need someone in my corner…and you are always the one in my corner! So…here goes…

Autopilot

I was in a training class this week on presentation skills and as I stood up to give my presentation I was overcome with what I would classify as a mild sense of dementia. Now, I have no clue what dementia actually feels like, but I also do not know what else to call it.  I knew where I was, but for a brief period of time I lost the ability to process what was going on. I have had mild cases of this in the past, but the difference this time is that I was being recorded while the event was still going on. I took a look at the tape this afternoon, and I am amazed by what I saw...or more importantly by what I didn’t see. I did not see someone that was confused by what was going on or even mildly effected by some strange force. What I saw was…quite simply…me. I do not remember doing the things that I see in the tape, but everything I was doing was perfectly natural for me to do. I do not remember the words that came out of my mouth, but they matched very closely the words that I had written down when preparing for the speech. Essentially, my body was carrying out all of the activities that I would have been asking it to carry out had I been fully coherent…but in my mind I was not coherent. I watched the tape multiple times…I looked for anything that would show what I was going through. No blank stare, no dead eyes…just me, going through the motions, with no outward sign of struggle. I even cracked the typical SteveO joke here and there. I am not really sure how to take this. Like the numbness in my head, this is another issue that must be completely internal. Outwardly, I feel like it is a bright shining beacon that tells everyone that something is wrong, but in reality it is something that I will deal with internally…that does not impact my daily life other than to have me wonder WTF. I guess I will take it as a good thing. I can continue to ‘show no weakness’ until I figure out what is going on, and the world can continue to go on with me as-is, even though at times my mind may be elsewhere.

I have other ‘fun’ things going on as well. My vision has changed, which kind of scares the !@#$ out of me. I had a friend a few years ago who was diagnosed with a degenerative eye disease. I believe the diagnosis was that it could be 20-30 years before she had experienced real big problems. She was very distraught, but I did not really understand why. My thought at the time was, the consequences are so far off why would you spend time worrying about them now? Well, I really should apologize because I now understand! While touch, taste, smell and hearing are all important, Sight truly impacts everything I am and everything I experience.

My sight is not deteriorating or blurring…It is what I would call ‘graying’. I can still read and I can still see things far away. Sometimes I see double and really have to concentrate to bring the two images together. Sometimes I have to really focus to eliminate the ‘grey’ image. Think of it like those 3D pictures that you had to stare at forever to make the picture come into view. I now have to do that for most things. I plan on going to the eye doctor to see what he says…but I have learned to keep my expectations low.

Finally, A&M plays Alabama this weekend. I am looking forward to the game, but it is a cruel reminder of when all of this started. The ‘clairvoyant’ moment during the game last year was quickly followed by the ‘clairvoyant’ (or CRAZY) self diagnosis of a disease I know nothing about. I still do not know what is wrong with me, but since that day I can no longer ignore it or chalk it up to growing old. For some strange reason I am taking it pretty hard (I can’t even define what ‘IT’ I am taking hard…but never mind that). Anyway, I think I have my wife convinced that we need to watch the game at the lake with friends. That should take my mind off of ‘IT’ for long enough for me to relax and have a good time…and to see the Aggies BTHO Alabama 36-28 (no clairvoyant moment here…but a man can dream!)

Sorry!

Tonight that word really pisses me off. Not because I had to say it (I believe it is warranted). More because I do not know exactly why I had to say it. Is it sorry because I somehow caused this feeling that I have been having? Maybe sorry because I am too scared to go to the appropriate doctors to get a diagnosis on what is really wrong with me (don’t get me wrong…I have tried…my general doctor 4 times, neurologist twice, CT scan, MRI, etc.) Maybe it is sorry for the way I have been acting, but I feel that I have no control over that. Maybe it is sorry for not being able to have control over it. Is it sorry for not communicating all the things that are going on in my body. Is it sorry for trying to protect you from worrying about me? I think it is ultimately that…and I am truly sorry.

You raise me up and I raise you up…The one time I tried to communicate to you what was wrong, I could see you come crashing down…which ultimately would bring me down as well. So, like a proud dog trying to convince his owner he is not hurt, I have been downplaying the shit I am going through. I have given up on getting diagnosed with anything anytime soon, and I just pray that right now I am at the bottom and things are going to get better.

I ask you to not give up on me. Every day I will work my ass off to keep this from impacting our family. Some days I am successful, many days I am not, but I will wake up tomorrow and try again.

Of course, I cannot ask you that out loud…because nothing is wrong with me. I can’t tell you why I have been lazy…I have to let you go on believing it is a character flaw until the dr’s can give me a better reason. I have to hide my anger because the outbursts I want to have…need to have…are not fair to anyone but me.

Confusion does not begin to explain what I am going through. I have a very real fear that I am simply a hypochondriac, looking for symptoms that are not there. I truly do not believe that, but do crazy people know they are crazy? It sounds strange, but I want a diagnosis of something… because a diagnosis means I am not crazy.

So for now, I will just say I am sorry. You will believe that I am sorry for being lazy, which is a half truth…but it is better that way.

It just got REAL!

Until now, my issues have been just a side show to my regular life. I go to the doctor every few months and stew about what could be wrong with me…but it has been a private stewing. Well, today I made the very difficult decision that I should go the director path (instead of partner) at work. I have good reasons for this…but none that I can really share. Many people will question my decision (including my wife!), and all I can say is that…in my heart it feels like the right decision long term. If I knew what was going on than the decision would be different, but I don’t! So, this is the first time this shit has really impacted my life. I hope it is the last, but at this point I have accepted that something is wrong and I just have to put it in others hands to figure out what.

It is over!

1,937 days…and the streak is over. I am not sure how to feel right now. My goal was to end it on my terms, and I did not do that. However, I think I had come to the realization that I would never be able to end it on my terms because I would never end it unless I could not walk (and right now I can not walk). Ironically, it comes on my wife’s birthday and it was a result of me seeing out one of my life’s goals.

To understand this, you have to go back to 1998 when I first started with KSA. My boss was a great man who I will always look up to, and he is one of the reasons I have been so successful in consulting all these years. He is one of the few that I believe had found that right balance between consulting and family, and I have tried to model myself after his example.

Torre was his son’s soccer coach, and I remember times when he would tell the client that he could not be there…and it was most likely because he had to coach. He was confident enough in his value to the client that he did not have to sacrifice his devotion to his family. I believe that he also understood that, if he did not work on the family stuff than he could not succeed at the consulting stuff... A great example that I follow to this day.

So, one of my life’s goals back then was to coach my kids team. I did not care what sport, or what age, or for how long…just that I wanted to be coach! However, over the years I kind of forgot about that goal. I let the work take over a little too much and let the family stuff coast on cruise control. Fast forward to 2012 when I started to get the feeling that something may be wrong with me…

Side note: Whatever is wrong with me it is still undiagnosed. MRI showed a lesion, and the doctor said MS is a possibility, or the lesion could be perfectly normal. The doctor said they needed to wait another year or so and see if another lesion shows up. I have bouts of ZERO energy, some lingering yet unexplained muscle pain, I still can’t feel a lot of my face and I have numbness in my extremities a lot! This puts me in this fun waiting game…the good news is I do not have an actual diagnosis of MS…the bad news is I do not have a diagnosis of anything that explains why my body is freaking out on me.

Anyway, I started to try and put things into perspective and make sure I was putting family first. I had the opportunity to be my sons assistant coach for flag football (Actually, my wife made me sign up, but now I am glad she did!) The week before the season I get a call that they are out of coaches, and would I be the head coach. Well, I know nothing about flag football but it is 5-6 year olds so what could go wrong. Then, two days later we get a call that there are not enough 5-6 year olds so they are combining them with the 7-8 year olds…but still not enough coaches so I had to be head coach. I go into study mode and come up with a game plan, a play book, practice drills, formations, etc. Next thing you know I am a head coach with a clipboard, a whistle, and a bunch of kids who look to me for guidance on something that I know nothing about! Fast forward to week 4 of the season…I have had a bunch of stiffness in my legs, probably from this mysterious whatever the hell is going on with me. I step out on to the field for practice, and during the first drill I pull my calf…and not just a normal pull…a fall to the ground and fight back the tears because there is ‘no crying in football’ pull. The next three hours were more of the same (we had a double header…yea!) We won both games, but about every 5^th play I felt the muscle pull some more.

By the time I got home I could not walk. My wife carried me into the house and I started a steady rotation of pain killers and alcohol so that I could do my mile. By 11:30 I was ready…I took a double shot of painkillers and a couple swigs of beer and headed to the basement. 5 minutes later I was at the door…which would not have been that bad if it were not 10 feet away! I quickly did the math and realized that at that pace my mile would be completed by the next month…and I slowly came to the realization that the streak was over. VERY disappointing, almost to the point of depression, but fitting that it was on my wife’s birthday (she was never a big fan of the streak anyway), and at least it was a result of something I loved doing. If I could go back…I wouldn’t! 5 years was a damn good run, but coaching those boys to victory is pretty good too!

Thank You Selena!

When I was waiting to get on my flight tonight there was the cutest little girl with a surgical mask waiting to board the plane. She was just about my daughters age (8) and full of energy. I overheard her mom talking, and this little girl was just coming back from St. Jude after getting her final radiation treatment of the year. Final, not because the cancer was cured and she could go home and live her life, but final because her frail body could not take another treatment for another few months. The doctors told them to go home and hope it does not progress. The mother wanted someone to talk to, so me and some others obliged so that she could tell us what a spectacular daughter she had, and what great people there were at St Jude.

As she talked about it she cried, and Selena came over to comfort her mother. She gave her mother a big hug and told her to be happy because at least they will get to sleep in their own bed tonight. Selena knew what was going on...she has been living this life for a while. Rather than wallow in her self pity she looked at the bright side...which for her was that she got to go home and sleep in her own bed.

It kind of put me in my place a bit. I can't begin to imagine what Selena and her mom are going through. Whatever I am dealing with, it is not terminal. I am not a child having to give up recess for chemo.

So...Thank You Selena for putting me in my place. Tonight, instead of praying about me non-stop, I will say a prayer for you and your mom. Not just a prayer of healing, but a prayer of thanks and humility for the lesson that you have helped me to remember.

Courage

I have always thought that courage was the absence of fear...or at least, when I would see someone 'courageous' than I would assume that the person was devoid of fear.

I am now learning, quite possibly the hard way, that the absence of fear is naivety...and courage is more defined by the repression and/or the facing of that fear. Maybe I am going too fast...let me start with a little about myself.

I am a 37 year old 'rock-star'. Not a rockstar in the Van halen sense of the word, but in my world at least. Some would say that I was born with a silver spoon in my mouth, but for one reason or another, many that were born with that same silver spoon have not used it as well as me. I have always tried to be the pride and joy of the family, and figured that it was my responsibility to validate the job that my parents had done. This may have been presumptuous on my part, and I'm sure that they did not need me to do this, but it always drove me to do better which has resulted in great things, so I will stick with it.

I remember in 4th grade when my parents sat me down to tell me I had disappointed them because I had received 2 f's on my report card. My brother was in drug rehab at the age of 13, but I had disappointed them. That was the first of many wake-up calls in my life, but it pretty much steered me straight for the next 10 years. Sure, I drank and smoked during high school, but I tried to hide it from my parents and I did my best to make up for it. I excelled at music, because that made my mom happy, and I excelled at math because that made my dad happy. I had friends that went off to break into cars and cause trouble, but I always found a way of talking my way out of it. I did well on my SAT's and got into college with no problems...and unceremoniously went off to start the rest of my life.

In college I spent the first year focusing on me. My high school sweetheart went off to a different school and we decided to see other people, so I spent the year trying to find things that I enjoyed more than 'class' and 'responsibility'. I was an Engineering major at Texas A&M who enjoyed partying, drinking and building bonfire much more than attending class. The end result was a sub-par GPA, a pissed off high school sweetheart, and another one of those 'we are disappointed in you' speeches from my parents. I went back home that summer to find myself, and was very quickly right where I had left off. My sweetheart had decided to transfer to A&M, Engineering took me back for one last chance, and The Singing Cadets called to me with open arms. It was not long until I was back to living up to everyones expectations. I did not make the best grades, but I always did good enough. I was not the best boyfriend, but I was by no means the worst either. I built a lot of strength during this time, and back then I probably thought I was really courageous. Engineering was kicking people out left and right, but I stood up to the challenge and made it. My college money ran out when I still had a year left, but I found a job and made it work (OK, maybe people are not too far off on the silver spoon thing). There was not a challenge out there that scared me, and there were not too many wars that I couldn't win. I got a 4.0 my senior year, performed at Carnegie hall and my high-school sweetheart turned into my fiancée. My best job prospects were a traditional and comfortable job near home and family, or a consulting job that would take us all over the US (and as it turns out, the world) ...guess which one I choose!

We graduated, got married and moved to Memphis (our first time living outside of Texas) all with-in a span of about two weeks.

My career took off, and my wife and I were having a blast. Personally, our relationship continued to grow, and I think we really benefitted from living outside the influences of family and old friends. we lived in 4 states and had the opportunity to live in England for a year, and travel all over the place. At the end of the england project we took 4 weeks off to take the trip of a lifetime! Germany, paragliding in switzerland, Driving all over Italy and partying in rome and the amalfi coast, followed by a cruise through the greek islands!

Professionally, I came to love my career and to understand (and enjoy the fact) that my company only hired the best people. I was working among industry giants and I was excelling at it. I was the tops in my class and I would beat myself up over any rating less than a 5.

Our first child was born when I had been with the company about 6 years. When she was 6 months old I was offered a project in Tokyo, and told that my family would be able to join me if that is what we wanted. As always, we were up for the challenge so I boarded a plane for Tokyo. I soon find out that the long term phase of the project had not yet sold, and I spend six months going back and forth to Tokyo. I hear about my daughters first steps over the phone, and every two weeks I have to come home to a child who barely knows me. It was THE MOST depressing time in my life (worse than now)...and the first time in a long time that I felt I was a failure. My parents were not around to give me the 'we are disappointed' speech, and my wife would never deliver that message, but I did not need to hear it...I just knew. The client was not happy that I was gone for a few days a month, and my family was not happy that I was gone the rest of the time. I was failing at all aspects of my life, and somehow I had let that happen.  I would like to say that I knew exactly what to do...but I didn't. I would board the flight back to Tokyo and I would be depressed. I did not want to quit my job, but I had to do what was right for my family. I decided, during one of these flights to talk to my boss. I did not recognize it at the time, but THAT was courage. Because I was scared, because I had everything to lose, and because I choose to act. 

Actually, when I brought it up to my boss, he was as mortified at the situation as I was and had a solution in place with-in a week. I had walked into his office ready to quit, but I never had to play that card. While that situation was difficult, I am glad I had the experience. It really helped put things into perspective for me, and helped develop me as a person. It taught my that I should never put my work ahead of my family and that it is OK to ask for help. Since then, I have still given work everything I owe it (and more most times), but I have kept it in perspective.

Since then we have had two more children, and although my work puts me on the road every week, I try to make sure that I make up for it when I am home. My kids are my hobby, and my wife is my escape. If I am not working than I am trying to be the best husband and dad that I can be...and that keeps me extremely satisfied.

All that brings me to more recent times...and why I am writing about courage. Close to two years ago my face went numb. I talked to my doctor and he said it was a muscle spasm...no big deal and it would go away. I ignored it for a while googled my symptoms and determined it was, worst case, bell's palsey. Bell's goes away and does not seem to cause long term damage, so I was good...Except I wasn't.

I was getting a sinking feeling something else was wrong, and I was trying to get up the courage to go to the doctor. I woke up one night dripping with sweat, and knew I had MS. Now I had no clue what MS was, only that there was a bike race for it. However, the more I googled the more I got to worrying. Don't get me wrong, I understand how strange it sounds that I self-diagnosed myself with an illness that I knew nothing about...in a dream. All I can tell you is that it happened, and it got my ass to the doctor pretty darn quick!

I brought up this crazy self diagnoses to my wife, but from the look in her eyes I realized it was a mistake. I am her strong man and the father to her kids, and this is not news that she needs to deal with until it is EXTREMELY real! (The day before there was also a crazy clairvoyant moment where I saw the final of the A&M/Alabama game in the 3rd quarter and ended up being dead on...but I will save that story for later)

Anyway, Since then I have tried to stay off of google, and let the doctors do the work. I have been referred to a neurologist and had an MRI, and I am now waiting for the results. While I wait I try to muster up enough courage to go about my life and not let this thing hang over me. I try to keep it from consuming me, and I try to block it out, but I am not being that successful at it. So, in an act of desperation, I have turned to this blog.

I realize that no one will probably read this, but knowing that it is out there helps, and I need the courage to find ways to help me get through this!