Sorry...again

I figured it out. I finally figured out why I am sorry! I am sorry that I have not trusted you enough to let you in on my concerns. We had a wonderful weekend presenting at Living in Love. We stood in front of a large group of people and talked about our marriage. How much we love each other, how great we are together, and the things we have learned over the years. Well, all this talking about a great marriage got me thinking that maybe I need you in my corner. So, I am not sure how or when, but I am going to find a way to break it to you that I may have something wrong with me. I am sorry it has taken this long, and I am sorry for potentially getting you worried about something that may or may not be wrong with me, but at this point I need someone in my corner…and you are always the one in my corner! So…here goes…

Autopilot

I was in a training class this week on presentation skills and as I stood up to give my presentation I was overcome with what I would classify as a mild sense of dementia. Now, I have no clue what dementia actually feels like, but I also do not know what else to call it.  I knew where I was, but for a brief period of time I lost the ability to process what was going on. I have had mild cases of this in the past, but the difference this time is that I was being recorded while the event was still going on. I took a look at the tape this afternoon, and I am amazed by what I saw...or more importantly by what I didn’t see. I did not see someone that was confused by what was going on or even mildly effected by some strange force. What I saw was…quite simply…me. I do not remember doing the things that I see in the tape, but everything I was doing was perfectly natural for me to do. I do not remember the words that came out of my mouth, but they matched very closely the words that I had written down when preparing for the speech. Essentially, my body was carrying out all of the activities that I would have been asking it to carry out had I been fully coherent…but in my mind I was not coherent. I watched the tape multiple times…I looked for anything that would show what I was going through. No blank stare, no dead eyes…just me, going through the motions, with no outward sign of struggle. I even cracked the typical SteveO joke here and there. I am not really sure how to take this. Like the numbness in my head, this is another issue that must be completely internal. Outwardly, I feel like it is a bright shining beacon that tells everyone that something is wrong, but in reality it is something that I will deal with internally…that does not impact my daily life other than to have me wonder WTF. I guess I will take it as a good thing. I can continue to ‘show no weakness’ until I figure out what is going on, and the world can continue to go on with me as-is, even though at times my mind may be elsewhere.

I have other ‘fun’ things going on as well. My vision has changed, which kind of scares the !@#$ out of me. I had a friend a few years ago who was diagnosed with a degenerative eye disease. I believe the diagnosis was that it could be 20-30 years before she had experienced real big problems. She was very distraught, but I did not really understand why. My thought at the time was, the consequences are so far off why would you spend time worrying about them now? Well, I really should apologize because I now understand! While touch, taste, smell and hearing are all important, Sight truly impacts everything I am and everything I experience.

My sight is not deteriorating or blurring…It is what I would call ‘graying’. I can still read and I can still see things far away. Sometimes I see double and really have to concentrate to bring the two images together. Sometimes I have to really focus to eliminate the ‘grey’ image. Think of it like those 3D pictures that you had to stare at forever to make the picture come into view. I now have to do that for most things. I plan on going to the eye doctor to see what he says…but I have learned to keep my expectations low.

Finally, A&M plays Alabama this weekend. I am looking forward to the game, but it is a cruel reminder of when all of this started. The ‘clairvoyant’ moment during the game last year was quickly followed by the ‘clairvoyant’ (or CRAZY) self diagnosis of a disease I know nothing about. I still do not know what is wrong with me, but since that day I can no longer ignore it or chalk it up to growing old. For some strange reason I am taking it pretty hard (I can’t even define what ‘IT’ I am taking hard…but never mind that). Anyway, I think I have my wife convinced that we need to watch the game at the lake with friends. That should take my mind off of ‘IT’ for long enough for me to relax and have a good time…and to see the Aggies BTHO Alabama 36-28 (no clairvoyant moment here…but a man can dream!)

Sorry!

Tonight that word really pisses me off. Not because I had to say it (I believe it is warranted). More because I do not know exactly why I had to say it. Is it sorry because I somehow caused this feeling that I have been having? Maybe sorry because I am too scared to go to the appropriate doctors to get a diagnosis on what is really wrong with me (don’t get me wrong…I have tried…my general doctor 4 times, neurologist twice, CT scan, MRI, etc.) Maybe it is sorry for the way I have been acting, but I feel that I have no control over that. Maybe it is sorry for not being able to have control over it. Is it sorry for not communicating all the things that are going on in my body. Is it sorry for trying to protect you from worrying about me? I think it is ultimately that…and I am truly sorry.

You raise me up and I raise you up…The one time I tried to communicate to you what was wrong, I could see you come crashing down…which ultimately would bring me down as well. So, like a proud dog trying to convince his owner he is not hurt, I have been downplaying the shit I am going through. I have given up on getting diagnosed with anything anytime soon, and I just pray that right now I am at the bottom and things are going to get better.

I ask you to not give up on me. Every day I will work my ass off to keep this from impacting our family. Some days I am successful, many days I am not, but I will wake up tomorrow and try again.

Of course, I cannot ask you that out loud…because nothing is wrong with me. I can’t tell you why I have been lazy…I have to let you go on believing it is a character flaw until the dr’s can give me a better reason. I have to hide my anger because the outbursts I want to have…need to have…are not fair to anyone but me.

Confusion does not begin to explain what I am going through. I have a very real fear that I am simply a hypochondriac, looking for symptoms that are not there. I truly do not believe that, but do crazy people know they are crazy? It sounds strange, but I want a diagnosis of something… because a diagnosis means I am not crazy.

So for now, I will just say I am sorry. You will believe that I am sorry for being lazy, which is a half truth…but it is better that way.

It just got REAL!

Until now, my issues have been just a side show to my regular life. I go to the doctor every few months and stew about what could be wrong with me…but it has been a private stewing. Well, today I made the very difficult decision that I should go the director path (instead of partner) at work. I have good reasons for this…but none that I can really share. Many people will question my decision (including my wife!), and all I can say is that…in my heart it feels like the right decision long term. If I knew what was going on than the decision would be different, but I don’t! So, this is the first time this shit has really impacted my life. I hope it is the last, but at this point I have accepted that something is wrong and I just have to put it in others hands to figure out what.

It is over!

1,937 days…and the streak is over. I am not sure how to feel right now. My goal was to end it on my terms, and I did not do that. However, I think I had come to the realization that I would never be able to end it on my terms because I would never end it unless I could not walk (and right now I can not walk). Ironically, it comes on my wife’s birthday and it was a result of me seeing out one of my life’s goals.

To understand this, you have to go back to 1998 when I first started with KSA. My boss was a great man who I will always look up to, and he is one of the reasons I have been so successful in consulting all these years. He is one of the few that I believe had found that right balance between consulting and family, and I have tried to model myself after his example.

Torre was his son’s soccer coach, and I remember times when he would tell the client that he could not be there…and it was most likely because he had to coach. He was confident enough in his value to the client that he did not have to sacrifice his devotion to his family. I believe that he also understood that, if he did not work on the family stuff than he could not succeed at the consulting stuff... A great example that I follow to this day.

So, one of my life’s goals back then was to coach my kids team. I did not care what sport, or what age, or for how long…just that I wanted to be coach! However, over the years I kind of forgot about that goal. I let the work take over a little too much and let the family stuff coast on cruise control. Fast forward to 2012 when I started to get the feeling that something may be wrong with me…

Side note: Whatever is wrong with me it is still undiagnosed. MRI showed a lesion, and the doctor said MS is a possibility, or the lesion could be perfectly normal. The doctor said they needed to wait another year or so and see if another lesion shows up. I have bouts of ZERO energy, some lingering yet unexplained muscle pain, I still can’t feel a lot of my face and I have numbness in my extremities a lot! This puts me in this fun waiting game…the good news is I do not have an actual diagnosis of MS…the bad news is I do not have a diagnosis of anything that explains why my body is freaking out on me.

Anyway, I started to try and put things into perspective and make sure I was putting family first. I had the opportunity to be my sons assistant coach for flag football (Actually, my wife made me sign up, but now I am glad she did!) The week before the season I get a call that they are out of coaches, and would I be the head coach. Well, I know nothing about flag football but it is 5-6 year olds so what could go wrong. Then, two days later we get a call that there are not enough 5-6 year olds so they are combining them with the 7-8 year olds…but still not enough coaches so I had to be head coach. I go into study mode and come up with a game plan, a play book, practice drills, formations, etc. Next thing you know I am a head coach with a clipboard, a whistle, and a bunch of kids who look to me for guidance on something that I know nothing about! Fast forward to week 4 of the season…I have had a bunch of stiffness in my legs, probably from this mysterious whatever the hell is going on with me. I step out on to the field for practice, and during the first drill I pull my calf…and not just a normal pull…a fall to the ground and fight back the tears because there is ‘no crying in football’ pull. The next three hours were more of the same (we had a double header…yea!) We won both games, but about every 5^th play I felt the muscle pull some more.

By the time I got home I could not walk. My wife carried me into the house and I started a steady rotation of pain killers and alcohol so that I could do my mile. By 11:30 I was ready…I took a double shot of painkillers and a couple swigs of beer and headed to the basement. 5 minutes later I was at the door…which would not have been that bad if it were not 10 feet away! I quickly did the math and realized that at that pace my mile would be completed by the next month…and I slowly came to the realization that the streak was over. VERY disappointing, almost to the point of depression, but fitting that it was on my wife’s birthday (she was never a big fan of the streak anyway), and at least it was a result of something I loved doing. If I could go back…I wouldn’t! 5 years was a damn good run, but coaching those boys to victory is pretty good too!