I was in a
training class this week on presentation skills and as I stood up to give my
presentation I was overcome with what I would classify as a mild sense of
dementia. Now, I have no clue what dementia actually feels like, but I also do
not know what else to call it. I knew
where I was, but for a brief period of time I lost the ability to process what
was going on. I have had mild cases of this in the past, but the difference this
time is that I was being recorded while the event was still going on. I took a
look at the tape this afternoon, and I am amazed by what I saw...or more
importantly by what I didn’t see. I did not see someone that was confused by
what was going on or even mildly effected by some strange force. What I saw
was…quite simply…me. I do not remember doing the things that I see in the tape,
but everything I was doing was perfectly natural for me to do. I do not
remember the words that came out of my mouth, but they matched very closely the
words that I had written down when preparing for the speech. Essentially, my
body was carrying out all of the activities that I would have been asking it to
carry out had I been fully coherent…but in my mind I was not coherent. I
watched the tape multiple times…I looked for anything that would show what I
was going through. No blank stare, no dead eyes…just me, going through the
motions, with no outward sign of struggle. I even cracked the typical SteveO
joke here and there. I am not really sure how to take this. Like the numbness
in my head, this is another issue that must be completely internal. Outwardly,
I feel like it is a bright shining beacon that tells everyone that something is
wrong, but in reality it is something that I will deal with internally…that
does not impact my daily life other than to have me wonder WTF. I guess I will
take it as a good thing. I can continue to ‘show no weakness’ until I figure
out what is going on, and the world can continue to go on with me as-is, even
though at times my mind may be elsewhere.
I have other
‘fun’ things going on as well. My vision has changed, which kind of scares the
!@#$ out of me. I had a friend a few years ago who was diagnosed with a
degenerative eye disease. I believe the diagnosis was that it could be 20-30
years before she had experienced real big problems. She was very distraught,
but I did not really understand why. My thought at the time was, the
consequences are so far off why would you spend time worrying about them now?
Well, I really should apologize because I now understand! While touch, taste,
smell and hearing are all important, Sight truly impacts everything I am and
everything I experience.
My sight is not
deteriorating or blurring…It is what I would call ‘graying’. I can still read
and I can still see things far away. Sometimes I see double and really have to
concentrate to bring the two images together. Sometimes I have to really focus
to eliminate the ‘grey’ image. Think of it like those 3D pictures that you had
to stare at forever to make the picture come into view. I now have to do that
for most things. I plan on going to the eye doctor to see what he says…but I
have learned to keep my expectations low.
Finally, A&M
plays Alabama this weekend. I am looking forward to the game, but it is a cruel
reminder of when all of this started. The ‘clairvoyant’ moment during the game
last year was quickly followed by the ‘clairvoyant’ (or CRAZY) self diagnosis
of a disease I know nothing about. I still do not know what is wrong with me,
but since that day I can no longer ignore it or chalk it up to growing old. For
some strange reason I am taking it pretty hard (I can’t even define what ‘IT’ I
am taking hard…but never mind that). Anyway, I think I have my wife convinced
that we need to watch the game at the lake with friends. That should take my
mind off of ‘IT’ for long enough for me to relax and have a good time…and to
see the Aggies BTHO Alabama 36-28 (no clairvoyant moment here…but a man can
dream!)
