You raise me up
and I raise you up…The one time I tried to communicate to you what was wrong, I
could see you come crashing down…which ultimately would bring me down as well.
So, like a proud dog trying to convince his owner he is not hurt, I have been
downplaying the shit I am going through. I have given up on getting diagnosed
with anything anytime soon, and I just pray that right now I am at the bottom
and things are going to get better.
I ask you to not
give up on me. Every day I will work my ass off to keep this from impacting our
family. Some days I am successful, many days I am not, but I will wake up
tomorrow and try again.
Of course, I
cannot ask you that out loud…because nothing is wrong with me. I can’t tell you
why I have been lazy…I have to let you go on believing it is a character flaw
until the dr’s can give me a better reason. I have to hide my anger because the
outbursts I want to have…need to have…are not fair to anyone but me.
Confusion does
not begin to explain what I am going through. I have a very real fear that I am
simply a hypochondriac, looking for symptoms that are not there. I truly do not
believe that, but do crazy people know they are crazy? It sounds strange, but I
want a diagnosis of something… because a diagnosis means I am not crazy.
So for now, I
will just say I am sorry. You will believe that I am sorry for being lazy,
which is a half truth…but it is better that way.
